Unsure about Fostering..

Today Jon and I had a meeting with Mya's social worker. Our goal for the meeting was to be able to have a better understanding about where Mya's case is going and when. Jon and I both finished the meeting feeling overwhelmed, sad, angry and tired. It seems that an answer is not in sight for a little bit. And as much as we want our home to be Mya's forever home as the calendar days of 2014 dissipate it looks more and more like Mya will be going back to her "family" as her worker calls it.  Which really sounds weird because the people (us) who have taken care of her every day of her life minus the first 6 weeks out of the hospital are not her family. What we do know is that Mya has a court date in the middle of December that will also be a hearing where the judge will decide one of the following...

1- return Mya to her Bio dad

2- give bio dad unsupervised visits 

3- everything will remain the same with twice a week supervised visits 

Either way no matter the outcome if Mya is returned or if she will be adopted out it's more then likely that it will not take place until Mya is almost two years old! I don't know if it just me but that seems crazy to me. At what point is it to long? As much as we don't want Mya to go back we also don't think that she should be here another 9 months and then be returned. I don't think our family could emotional handle that or Mya could handle that.  Everyone keeps saying that there are services in place to take care of Mya and help her transition but we all know that there will be permanent damage that will alter her personality and perception of the world for the rest of her life.  I can't imagine what she will feel when we are not in her life anymore, I hate the fact that she will feel like we have abandoned her, and let her down just like everyone else in the world. But how do you explain to a 16 month old that we don't have a choice and that your Mommy and Daddy that you have know for the last 12-24 months of your life will no longer be there for you anymore, and even bigger how do you say it knowing that she is going back to a bad situation where she will face being another statistic one day?

The reason that we decided to get into fostering is because we wanted to make a difference in these children's lives and their parents lives.  We wanted to do what we thought God had placed on our heart.  We wanted to put our self last and be servants of God.  We wanted to do what we thought his people should be doing.  But now I'm questioning did we make the right choice?  Honestly if Mya and or Jalen go back at this point all of our hard work and everything we will have put in will be gone in a matter of few weeks.  I honestly feel like we have not made a difference, that we have failed.

No matter what the outcome I can tell you this, no one loves this little girl more then us, except God.  I don't know why our paths have crossed and I'm not sure when or if we will go our separate ways but I love her more then anything, and we are preparing our hearts to let her go.  I am not sure what that looks like or even how to start that process but I am sure that we will figure it out.

What is the hardest thing to let go of, is knowing that we live in a sinful world, and just because Mya is going back does not mean that's what God wants for her.